Things I Loathe about My Workplace

I’m sorry you spent the last 30 years working for this shithole of a company, but do you have to make everyone else miserable? Here’s an idea: instead of living WAAAY beyond your means, you could’ve saved your money and now be relaxing on a beach in Florida sipping Mai Tais all damn day long. Don’t blame me because your children hate you and you made bad life choices.

No Personal Space
Is this your first time looking at a computer? Have you ever seen someone type before? Oh yeah, it called “working.” Maybe you should try it one time instead of sitting in your office and spraying Lysol every 10 minutes.

Lack of Communication
Maybe I should’ve put “mindreader” under the skills section in my resume. I have to pull a David fucking Copperfield to get any information from people here. And not the run-of-the-mill gossip info. Important stuff like technicians schedules and vacation days.

No Backup
Everyone wants the big boy pants, but no one can fit in them. Is it that hard to manage or make a decision? Getting dressed in the morning must be a bitch since you can’t make up your mind.

If someone opened an anger management counseling center here, they could rake in a fortune. I’ve worked in pretty bad places (county jail, construction zone) but nothing has ever matched the level of my work environment now. Phones thrown at a wall, mailboxes broken and fights almost started. All in an office setting. I’ve heard of abusive environments but never abusive work environments.

Trust Issues
I hate working for someone who doesn’t trust my decisions as an employee. Why am I here? I’m not a toddler trying to take cookies from the jar. If you don’t trust me, then I don’t trust you. By the way, your lack of decisions is really making it easier for me.

Extreme Multi-Tasking
Thank God, I don’t have more hands because they would shove more work on me. I’ve been to college and done the multi-tasking. But I cannot go from answering the phone, sending out a quote, answering the phone, answering the tech’s phone, writing an email, ordering a part, answering the phone while having someone shout out from their cube at me all in the span of 15 minutes. Nice way to make mistakes, jackasses! No one can do that much work. But management doesn’t care. Oh, the phone didn’t ring for two minutes, you must be slow.

No Privacy
Lucky me! I’m the only one with a half wall cubicle so EVERYONE can hear what I say on the phone and who I say it to. Oh, don’t want to talk at your desk? Just mosey on over to me and have a full blown conversation while I’m on the phone. No, I won’t mind, it’s not like I’m busy or anything.

Power Struggle
Nothing like two grown ass managers trying to play employees off each other, so they look good in the eyes of the higher ups. Are we in Kindergarten? I thought games ended once you got out of training pants. Apparently, it never ends for some people. Yeah, I don’t want to be a pawn in your sick, twisted game.

Mooing Boss with Tourette’s Syndrome
Why do you sound like a constipated cow? If it’s not the mooing, it’s the random “fucks” floating around. She has the make noise, so EVERYONE knows how hard she’s working. Just shut the fuck up, old hag.

Work That’s Beneath You
You can’t send an email or add a name into the computer system. It literally took two fucking seconds. But for me, since I’m doing everyone else’s petty work, it takes longer and adds to my backlog. Thank God, something works because they are the only explanation on how you got your management position.

Playing Favorites
Oh so now your habitually late golden child is you favorite? Bitch, please. I’m not kissing your ass to gain favor. Just don’t be so obvious, I can’t handle the over the top way you to have to make sure her “baby” or “car” or whatever she used as a call off excuse is okay. We know it’s a lie, just admit it.

I’ve planned trips, grocery lists and wrote a book during my time at work. Why? Because the work is mind-numbingly boring. I need more than answering a phone call and writing an email. I’m sure a fucking monkey could do half of this stuff.

No Socialization
What happens to girls who were too ugly to be popular? They become the office bitches. They regulate everything from lunch box size to what to watch on the TV in the lounge. It’s hard working in an office where everyone is miserable and depressed. Sounds like a fun lunch date! I take my lunch outside of the office and hang around people who enjoy life. Nothing better than fresh air and sunshine.

Getting Called “My Girl”
Listen up asshole. I’m not your girl. I’m your employee. It’s really demeaning to come into work and be called a “girl.” So all my hard work and education means nothing because I will never be more than your “girl.” Sexism at its best.

No Sunshine
There’s zero natural light; even inmates get a least a half hour of sun. I’m stuck looking at tan walls, bad lighting and cheapo wall art that looks like it came from a yard sale. Oh, a picture of a fork but it’s listed as a “spoon.” So clever!

No One Can Do Anything
I’m the fucking reference section for the entire company. No one can do anything without running it past me. I DON’T CARE! I’ve passed work on to my coworker but she’s since so incompetent, it makes its way back to me. I tried to slack off (see said book), and it still doesn’t work. I’ve tried being nasty, and no one cares. I’m waiting one day that I will get a call from someone asking if hey should wipe their ass or not.

Zero Praise
I’m not asking for a fucking parade down the main street but a simple “thank you” would be nice. I don’t work well when you hover and demand. It’s almost like it costs them money to give out a compliment. Why do you think I’m going to do great work for you when you treat me like shit?

White Trash Co-Worker
For the love of God, why do you look like a greasy sewer rat? I’ve never known anyone who comes to work and looks like they didn’t take a shower. Not to mention she has the personality trait of a watermelon. Sarcasm? Yeah, she doesn’t understand it. But as soon as someone asks questions, she acts like she’s on top of it. Butt-in-ski much? She weasels her way into EVERY SINGLE conversation. I’m sorry if no one asked out directly, then stay out of it. You know what lady, I don’t care about your baby that looks like a hobbit, your screenwriter boyfriend looking for his “big break” or your rundown house that sounds like it should be condemned. By the way, is it asking too much not to call off once a month (on a Monday), come in on time (not 10 minutes late) or stop playing on your phone (all day long)? Please stop with your stupid stories. I don’t care because I’m too busy getting stuck with the slack since you can’t be bothered.

Same Thing Over and Over and Over
My workday is like a piss poor version of Groundhog Day. It literally is the same thing over and over. I can clean my cart of repairs, go to lunch, and there’s a whole bunch of shit again. I never feel accomplished, and that’s a problem for me. I need to look at my work, go “good job” and feel like I did something great.  I know when I walk into the door in the morning, throughout the day there will have  A) a screaming customer, B) project manager talking down to me, C) director spraying Lysol because he’s tooting in his office, D) a moo, E) a stupid baby or puppy story, F) someone telling me I did something wrong even though it’s been that way for 2 years or G) someone telling me to smile. Some days it’s one of those things, some days it’s two, and some days I’m in the bathroom crying or having to pop a Xanax.