Namaste… or something like that

When I was first diagnosed with depression, a million thoughts ran through my head. Will I be on medication for the rest of my life? Will I never feel happy? And the most depressing of all, am I going to commit suicide? Depression is one of those diseases that still has an air of mystery surrounding it. Often not talked about, people keep suffering in silence until something drastic happens. Sometimes help does not come at all for them.

I always felt that something was not right. It slowly built up for me until one day I could not get out of bed. This lead to a lot of visits to the doctor offices. I heard a ton of reasons for why I did not feel well. Excuses ranged from oh it’s your ovaries to you need more exercise to it is a vitamin deficiency. The problem today is no one wants to admit that depression is real. It is better to pass it off as another issue than to acknowledge the actual problem.

I was one of those people. I prayed against hope that it was anything else but depression. That in itself is a scary place to be. What is more frightening than having a problem with your mind? For awhile I felt alone and scared. What was going to happen to me? Should I just ignore it and hope the problem goes away or actively seek out help from others?

I finally admitted to myself that I had a real, actual problem. It took awhile, but I finally found a good doctor along with a licensed counselor and together started working a plan to get me back to a better state of mind. It also helps to have a strong support system. The hardest part was asking for help which to me was a sign of weakness.

Dealing with depression is very difficult. Most of us want to pinpoint the problem, fix it and get on with our lives. For me, it was a multitude of issues. I had a job that was horrendous. My boss would punch walls, and my supervisor made a Mean Girl look like a sweetheart.  I also was still reeling from the emotional trauma of my dad’s death (20 years ago). I was anywhere but a happy place.

I made the decision to quit my job and focus on my health. It was a decision that saved my life. The first few months, I was still in recovery mode. The job had taken an extreme amount of physical stress on me. I made up for all the lost sleep worrying about my job. For the first time in a long time, I felt like my regular self. 

Right now, it has only been five months. The path has been long and treacherous. I feel like I am just starting to emerge from the clouds. I know it will not be easy and there may be setbacks.  But I already feel like a better person. The key is not to give up. When you feel like hope is lost, there is always somewhere to turn. Depression is a bastard. It wants to take away hope and fill you with despair. The important part is to fight on. There are better days ahead.