I’m not going to lie but it’s been a tough few months. You know all that happiness and hope that comes in the summertime? Beaches, beer and spending time with friends… Yeah, never happened for me. I can’t even remember any of the summer. I think it was warm and sunny. I remember along the way the Red Sox sucked, the White Sox blew and somewhere AJ Pierzynski got dumped.
I had been feeling down since February. I’ve been battling what I first thought was a vitamin deficiency. You know you go into the doctor saying you’re depressed and the first thing he says it “let’s draw blood.” I did have a really low level of vitamin D. So I was prescribed 5000 IU and off I went. I have to say that did work for awhile..
I can somewhat blame my work and the psychopaths the seem to thrive there. It’s like a petri dish of assholes. I have a supervisor that loves to stir the drama up at work. As soon as our director leaves for a meeting or vacation, she’s in the office with the president complaining about him. The director in turn has no clue how to run and department. He instead finds people low on the totem pole (like me) and constantly throw them to the wolves.
If that wasn’t bad enough. I have a co-worker who was the mistress of playing mind games. You know the type.. the one who pretends to be your friend but will back-stab and lie at any moment. I started to see through the bullshit when she used an incident that I had in the lunchroom with the HR lead and passed it off as her own. I also noticed a lot of other stories of mine were being re-used and recycled to fit her own needs (think Seinfeld’s Kramer and J.Peterman).
She was the type that had a ton of crises which may or may not have been true. Personally I think she was lying to get attention. She also loved to say things REALLY LOUD so the boss would hear. “Oh, I’m glad you didn’t take that call because YOU would’ve swore at the customer.” Seriously bitch, I know how to talk to customers. She loved to make everyone look bad around her and of course, it worked. I got the reputation of being bitchy and she floated along as a big ray of sunshine.
It seemed the more efficient I became at work, the more of everyone else’s work was piled on me. Don’t want to forward an email? Oh well, send it to me because pushing SEND is so fucking hard. The technician didn’t show up on the jobsite? Well that’s my fault too because grown men can’t be trusted to do things on their own! The balance was 90% work/10% credit while the manipulator did 10% work and 90% credit.
Then of course, she found a job and left with only a week’s notice. Interestingly, this was around the same time I said I was going on job interviews. Even with her lack of correct English grammar and typing that looked like a two year old sat it’s ass on a keyboard, she found a management position with more money. Apparently, shit does float upstream.
“Oh fuck them. They don’t deserve two weeks,” she said and continued to stir shit up the last week she was here. You know someone’s shady when they starting spouting off how much more they make than you or have the audacity to tell people she didn’t have a job when in reality she did. Master manipulator… and I couldn’t be happier that she’s gone. Unfortunately. I’m the only one that saw her true side because like all psychopaths, she hid it well and was well-liked in the company.
I think this is when my brain started to go a little nuts. Working with weirdos started to wear off a little bit. The drama, the headcases and the constant berating by my boss started to make everything mis-fire. I like multitasking and working with people but now I can’t stand to look at anyone. I rolled into work not giving a shit anymore. You think I’m a bitch, well I’ll show you how much of a bitch I can be.
Stuff really started to go downhill like not being able to get out of bed anymore. My brain started to lie to me. It wanted me to feel worthless and I was starting to believe it. I never had self-esteem issues until I started working here. I was angry all the time, withdrawing from public places and my energy levels were zapped. I even punched a box of cereal in the grocery store. I had big plans to transition into the IT field and I didn’t even had the strength to put a portfolio together. I felt like I was in a pit and more and more I was sinking below. Things were just going down the shitter… and fast.
So this is where I am at now. I finally realized that things are just not going to get better on their own. I’m broken and that’s hard to admit. Yeah it would be easier to quit and try find another job (Believe me, I’m still actively searching for another job), but I have a feeling that the emotional baggage I have acquired here is only going to follow me at another workplace. I’ve dealt with a lot of assholes and held on to a lot of hate and anger towards them. I started to turn into the people that I despise. It’s time to be happy again and hopefully I’m on that road to recovery.