You all know I’m an asshole so with that I’ve completed my own Airing of Grievances for 2014! (guarantee to offend everyone!)
Even though everyday seems to be an airing of grievances, I’ve decided to list it all in one place. Happy Festivus to all and to all a smackdown in the Feats of Strength.
– New girl at work: I really don’t care about your newborn. I can’t relate, I don’t have children and I don’t want any. I like my dog and I can barely take care of him. I have a cat too and the only reason I know she’s still alive is because the food goes missing after I put it out. Other than that, I don’t really see her. This is why I can’t have children.
– My former co-worker: Stop asking me if I found another job. Stop texting me about how work is going. Stop asking me about this place every single day. You left on a week’s notice because you hated it so much. Why do you care now? And when I stopped responding, why did you have a technician text me to text you back? Stop being so noisy and get a hint. You lost your privileges to ask about work.
– Sideshow: Stop making cool Star Wars shit because next year, I’m basically working to pay for statues. Seriously, I cannot live without a Tauntan. Yep, I just can’t!
– Cub Fans: Calm your panties down! Jon Lester is a good pitcher but not the Messiah. You’re not winning the World Series next year because it was in Back to the Future. Do I have to explain reality from fantasy again???
– Internet people: No matter what group (nerd stuff/Disney/cooking groups/Ingress) you belong to, there’s always some asshole who thinks they’re the king/queen of the message boards/Facebook group/Google, etc. Want drama? Sign up for a discussion group. I’ve seen arguments about people sharing Disney parks music, people upset that you connected this portal to this one and the correct size and angle of Boba Fett’s helmet. WHO THE FUCK CARES?!?! I have so many things to do in my life. I don’t want to read about non-sense shit and the people who lives are ruined by the soccer/volleyball droid in the Star Wars trailer. It’s called getting out of the house once and while. I know there’s this bright, shiny thing in the sky. It’s called the Sun, don’t be afraid of it.
– Assholes Who Are Offended by Everything: Grow a pair of balls. Life’s unfair. Deal with it.
– Double Parkers: Is it really that had to pull a car in between two yellow lines? That’s basic driving skills. How do you pull it to the left every. single. time?
– Lady Downstairs Running Her Own Laundromat: Christ Almighty, if you’re going to wash clothes stop using a whole fucking bottle of bleach. More bleach doesn’t equal more clean. Use in moderation. Please stop using Fabuloso too. That has to be the WORST smelling laundry detergent in the world. The whole apartment complex stinks like a soapy mess.
– Vegetarians/Atheists: Is there ever a time that you DON’T tell people you’re living a non-conformist lifestyle? I don’t care that pigs have personality or that God may be a fairy tale. Stop pissing on everyone’s parade because you need to feel validated in your life. Say a prayer and eat a hamburger, you’ll feel better.
– 300lb Lady at Work Who Only Eats Organic and Swears She’s Healthier Than Ever: I’ve been here two years and you haven’t lost a pound. Shut up about GMOs. Just because you found a chocolate substitute doesn’t mean you should be eating cakes and candy all the time. News flash: Salads at Panera are not organic if you drench every thing in ranch dressing.
– Everyone Else in the Office: Mind your own business. Thank God we don’t deal with government secrets because it will be well known within 10 minutes. Forget any confidentially with HR. She’s the biggest gossip and makes a beeline when she gets a juicy tip. Got dick cancer? Yeah that guy’s medical report was well known by the end of the day. It’s like CNN of bullshit here. I’m surprised there’s not a ticker in the lunchroom.
– My Bosses: It’s like a pissing match of who can throw each other under the bus quicker. Leave me out of office politics! I just want my paycheck at the end of the week. Since I’m bitching, I would like to address the fact that I’m NOT your personal secretary. Stop coming to me with bullshit stuff like forwarding emails and calling people you should call. That’s not in my job description. I have enough on my plate dealing with whining customers and even whinier technicians.
– Crazy Old Lady in My Office: Another one. Yes, dark chocolate is good for you…in moderation. Not shoving hordes of it down your throat. Thanks for shitting up the bathroom as well because I’ve always wanted to pass out in a room that reeked of old perfume and turds.
– Cold and Flu Carriers: If you’re sick or know you’re sick, stop coughing with your mouth open and then touching everything. I know we don’t have many sick days, so sometimes you have to come in. But for God’s sake, does it have to be a competition to see who can get the most people sick? All day I hear cough, cough, hack, sneeze. Stay the fuck away from me!!! Don’t come near my personal space either. Whatever you have to say, can be told at least 10 feet away. I already had a monster cold in August and DON’T WANT TO GO THROUGH THAT AGAIN.
– People Who Hate the Cops: Why is this even an issue? Be mad at the system, not at the individuals. These men and women get up everyday to go to work and support their families. Like most places, there are good people and there are assholes. There are days when they really fucking hate their jobs too. We don’t paint minorities in the same broad stroke, so why do you do that with police officers? Listen little fuckers, anarchy is not the way and neither is a totalitarian environment. Work for change, don’t sit and complain.
– Looters: Okay asswipes, see above. You can’t say you’re outrage about the shooting of a teenager then you burn down businesses and break out windows with a bat. This is why we have police, to protect the law abiding citizens from you assholes. Btw, thanks for perpetuating that stereotype for all the world to see.
– Obama: I’m pretty sure all the ills of the world that I haven’t mentioned can be attributed to you, so here you go.
– Cancer. Go fuck yourself. I’ve known way too many people affected by it this year. You are a piece of shit. Please go away!