So I’m on the eve of my first therapy session. I have an odd mix of excitement and fear. Excitement because maybe I can figure out why I would be happy if half the world went away. Fear because it’s something new and what if I’m not “fixable.”
I have never worked in an environment that has caused me so much harm and mental anguish. The easy answer is to quit the job. But I don’t have the resources to live without money for an extended amount of time. I’m not a Rockefeller. I would also lose all health benefits and be struggling until I found something else. I don’t want to go back into the security or customer service fields because let’s face it, it’s a mind-fuck. I learned that in order to avoid, those pitfall jobs that I need some marketable job skills, not the standard office (filling, typing, answering phones) ones. I’ve been through several companies and regardless of the industry they all treat you like shit. You’re replaceable and that’s the truth. Picking up a phone is hard. I’ve said many times that my job is something a monkey could do. But it seems once you get into that “rut” it is hard to break out of it.
I think what bothers me the most are the office politics and environment. I don’t like small talk and I don’t like kissing people’s asses. I know that this has hurt me in ways of a promotion. I also get frustrated in terms of interpersonal interactions. For the most part no one cares about you, it’s an excuse for them to talk about themselves. “How was your weekend?” is an opportunity to brag about how great everything is for them. I can’t “fake it” and I can see through people who do that. It’s very frustrating to work in an office where that type of behavior is encouraged. I know at the end of the day, I have to be able to look at myself in the mirror. If I’m not living up to potential, I stress out. This has been my story for the past 8 years.
My hope is that therapy gives me some sort of guidance. I know I have to get out of here and I know what I have to do but I’m slowly getting depleted by the environment that it’s making me barely able to function. My next step if this doesn’t work is to take time off. I hope it’s not my only option but we’ll have to see.